Announcement: “We are sorry to announce that the 18:27 Great Western Railway service to Bristol Temple Meads is delayed by approximately fifteen minutes.”
Me: (sighs).
One minute later: “We are sorry to announce that the 18:27 Great Western Railway service to Bristol Temple Meads is delayed.”
Me: “Oh…, great. Just delayed now? Until when? Next Tuesday?”
One minute later: “We are sorry to announce that the 18:27 Great Western Railway service to Bristol Temple Meads is delayed by approximately thirty-one minutes.”
Me: (thinks), what can possibly have changed so much in two minutes?
Announcement: “Passengers are reminded to mind the gap between the train and the platform edge.”
Me: “What bloody train?”
“We are sorry to announce that the 18:27 Great Western Railway service to Bristol Temple Meads is delayed by approximately eleven minutes.”
Me: (to self) I mean, what bugs me most about this is the way she puts completely unnecessary emphasis on ‘Railway,’ well, that and the pronunciation of minutes – minnits, anyone?”
“Passengers are reminded…”
Me: “Oh, do piss off.”
“We are sorry to announce…”
Me: “Is it any wonder that I drink?”
“Me too, mate,” says an unsteady bystander, and I hurriedly pretend to be on the phone.
“Passengers are reminded that smoking is not permitted anywhere on this station.”
Me: (sighs).
“Passengers are reminded that the use of bicycles or skateboards on station platforms is not permitted.”
Me: Embarks on extended internal debate about bringing in a maximum age for skateboarders. Settles on fourteen.
“Passengers are reminded that passing trains cause turbulence so they should always remain behind the yellow line.”
Me: “Passing trains?”
“We are sorry to announce that the 18:27 Great Western Railway service to Bristol Temple Meads is delayed.”
Staff: “Excuse me, sir? Sir? You’re not allowed up there, sir.”
“We are sorry to a
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Me: “Can I phone my wife?”
Police officer: “Yes, sir.”
Me: “Hello, darling. I am sorry to announce…”
