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  • Writer's picturePhilip Bryer

Linked In

I reckon most of us have had a go at LinkedIn at one time or another, before admitting, “I can’t really work out what it’s FOR.”

Anyway, if you haven’t been over there lately it’s worth a visit just to poke fun at the profile photos. Here are a few examples of what you can expect to find.

On the phone Look, I really don’t have time for this, I’ve got a Zoom with Sir Richard in five.

On the phone in front of a bank of monitors: I too am busy, but I’m also incredibly rich and important. (To be honest, I work in the post-room but all the wankers in the trading department have gone to a wine bar, so I thought I’d whack out a selfie.)

The holiday snap: Usually taken in front of a mountain, a city landmark, or a beach = I’m currently out of work.

Jacket dangled carelessly off the shoulder: Actually, I’d like a job where I don’t really have to do much. You won’t need me on Mondays and Fridays, will you?

The old school tie: Cough, cough. Hello? Over here!

The sidelong glance I’m serious about my work but don’t discount my playful side.

Skiing/mountaineering/powerboats: Look out! I work hard, I play hard. Go on, punch me in the stomach as hard as you can.

The flash car: You’re 20 feet away from it so we all know it’s not yours.

Putting on an ‘I mean business’ face while standing in front of a high-tech building: I don’t actually work here, but you know, it’s the sort of place I’d like to. If they’d let me in.

The mugshot: The mad, staring eyes. The defiant tilt to the jaw. ‘And then he turned the gun on himself.’

The fake Rolex: Fingers propping up the chin, wrist to the fore, so everyone can see the knock-off watch he got down the market.

The Gangsta: Timid mummy’s boy throwing some awkward shapes.

Mussolini desk, 50th floor corner office, Manhattan skyline: Hello Photoshop!

Gazing thoughtfully into the distance: You know, I’m beginning to think this LinkedIn stuff might be a complete waste of time.

Note: Please assume all of the examples given are men. In my experience, the male is always responsible for the greatest ratio of dickhead to workplace.

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